There was a time when soldiers were
conscripted to settle international disputes. People had to get out of the
house to apply for work; visit a loved one; or purchase household necessities
at a store. Youths spent time in the library to conduct researches for schoolwork.
At the dawn of twenty-first century, military personnel could use a computer to
send a drone to eliminate their target, without working up a sweat. Work
applicants can send personal documents such as bio-data, birth certificates or
letters of recommendations via the internet from the comfort of their own home.
When students are asked where they acquired the necessary information for their
work; the usual answer would be “wikipedia” or “google”. As much as
computerized technology has provided an advanced evolution to mankind; it also
has a downside. One day, soldiers are no longer applauded or revered for their
accomplishments because they no longer play a role in the world. In the near,
or distant, future, people might just die young and from obecity since they do
not act enough to provide their bodies with sufficient exercise. Maybe even
churches will serve no more purpose come the time that man can talk to God
directly via the internet.
Here are a few witty, fictional excerpts
which show the imperfections, and unfavorable effects, of computerized
technology on the human race. Unrealistic or exaggerated as some may be, there
are those which depict real life circumstances.
POOREST GUMPTION
The retarded child at the back of the SUV stared at the unfamiliar
edifices around him. Up front, he noticed his parents quietly having a heated
exchange as they repeatedly looked outside the vehicle. From what he noticed; it
did not take much to realise that they were lost. To ease his perturbation, he
began to sing a nursery rhyme but uttered the wrong words. His father stiffened
on the driver’s seat; slammed the dashboard; and yelled “Stupid goddamn
sonuvabitch!”
Until his bedtime, the boy kept to himself
and avoided his parents. Worried about this attitude, his father visited his
room.
Without much ado, the kid asked, “Daddy,
did you mean what you said in the car about me?”
After briefly meditating on the question,
the man realised what his son was referring to. He smiled apologetically and
said, “No. That wasn’t about you. It was the map on my I-phone.”
____________
A FREAK TRAGEDY
The day seemed full of life when Helen
received a message from Hector asking her to have dinner with him in Athenea
Ristorante. Because this was a reputed venue where most of her sorority friends
received marriage proposals from their suitors, she assumed he was going to do
the same with her. She rushed to the bathroom to share her elation with her
room mate Drucilla who was taking a crap. Since she never had the experience of
being in a serious relationship with anyone, Drucilla remained indifferent and
scoffed, “Hmph, that wimp? I can’t believe you expect the guy to marry you. He’s
a compulsive gamer, for heaven’s sake. Remember when Mother Superior gave us
leave and he took you to an internet café instead of a motel just so he could
do that ‘Clash’ game he’s so freaked over?”
“Yes. But this time, he asked me to Athenea. That’s where we’re going.
Most of our sisters received marriage proposals from their boyfriends in that
place. Maybe he’s going to pop the question.”
“I wouldn’t be too enthusiastic about it. Your man probably beats off
watching internet porn than you taking a shower.”
“Come on. You’re just being jealous because nobody’s flirting with you.”
“Suit yourself”, Drucilla dismissed her with a wave of hand and focused
on the newspaper she held.
That evening, Helen and Hector were
sitting at a table in the plush restaurant. He ordered an expensive bottle of
wine, eventually aggravating Helen’s anticipation. She noticed that he was
somewhat uneasy. His demeanor gave her more assurance that he would ask for her
hand.
“Hector, are you alright?”
“Yes. Yes, of course”, he answered though remaining antsy. “Why do you
ask?”
“You seem a bit jumpy. Is it about this place? Maybe there’s something
you want to say?” She was goading him into saying what she expected to hear.
“Uhh…Yes. In fact, I wanted to ask you something.”
Helen clasped her hands under her chin and
looked at him starry-eyed “Oh? And what might that be?”
Drucilla entered the dorm room later that evening
and saw Helen silently staring out the window.
“Details.Details.” she demanded of her friend.
Helen appeared as if she was stifling her
emotions. “He had to catch up with the ‘Clash’”, she muttered.
“Okay. Okay. Okay. Let’s get to the good part. Did he pop the question?”
Helen nodded and burst in tears, “He asked
me if they had any wi-fi at the restaurant!”
____________
UNLETHAL, LITTLE WEAPON
The burglar was careless and consequently
found himself struggling with two men who caught him in the act. One was an
older man who managed to pin his limbs while the younger fellow struck him on
the head with a blunt object. He was momentarily dazed but shook off the vertigo,
and was able to break free and escape his captors. Both watched in disbelief as
he fled. “You let him get away”, Nathan admonished his father.
“Look whose talking”, Philip countered, “If you used the typewriter
instead of the laptop, his brains would be all over the floor by now.”
____________
FREE OF CHARGE
Millie felt agitated as she rushed up the stairs to her floor;
repeatedly glancing at her cellphone. When her condo unit was in sight, she
noticed a light under the door which suddenly went off. “Steph, Steph, are you
in there?” she to her landlord. He was the only one in the building with access
to the rooms other than the tenants. She hesitantly approached the door when
her phone vibrated in her hand. A sigh of frustration escaped her lips. ‘No use
calling the police now’, she muttered. Cautiously, she unlocked the door and
gradually pushed it open to grope for the light switch. When brightness flooded
the room, she was stunned by what was waiting inside.
Steven, or ‘Steph’, as he wanted to be addressed,
was a homosexual in his forties. When Millie moved into his building, he felt
a paternal affection inspired by her fortitude to make her way, independent of
family or relatives. He was strict regarding the security of his tenants and
was rarely lenient at allowing visitors or strangers in his building. One day,
a group of unfamiliar individuals approached him and requested they be allowed
into her flat. He denied them at first. After they informed him of certain
matters about Millie which he had not been aware of, and the severity of their
intentions; he conceded.
The lookout flew through the door and
excitedly cried out: “She’s coming. She’s coming.”
“Quick! Turn out the lights”, someone else whispered.
“She’s going to get it now” another muttered and was shushed by companions who stood in the darkness of the room.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” the cluster of family and friends bellowed when Millie
turned on the lights. Among them stood Steph; ardently clapping his hands. At
first, she was astounded by the presence of acquaintances and expressed her
gratitude with feigned smiles. But the enthusiastic ambiance was short-lived
when she displayed an impassive and uneasy attitude. Waving her cellphone above
her head, she shouted: “Has anyone seen my charger? I’m running way, way low!”
There was a collective groan from her
guests then they filed out of the room.
____________
A DESTITUTE LIFE
SCENARIO: A young male, adult was
found guilty on counts of robbery, theft, murder, and drug trafficking; and was
sentenced to death. Hours before his execution, the PNP Chief showed some leniency
and allowed his mother to visit his prison cell.
MUSICAL SCORE: ‘Anak’ (*)
“Ang una mong
linapitan
Ang
‘yong inang lumuluha
At ang
tanong: “Anak, ba’t ka nagkaganyan?’” (1)
Tumulo
ang luha ng bihag at sumagot siya: “Inay, tayo’y mga nilalang sinumpa sa
kahirapan. Iniwan tayo ni Itay. Tindera ka lang sa palengke. Paano pa
makakatapos ng “computer studies” ang aking mga ambisyosong kapatid?” (2)
1-The first you approached
Was your weeping mother
And she asked: “Why have you come to this?”
2-The prisoner’s tears fell and
he replied: “Mother, we are souls condemned to poverty. Father left us. You are
only a market vendor. How else will my ambitious siblings finish computer
studies?”
____________
A SUMMER’S CAROL
Ebenezzer Scrooge XV, descendant of his
well-known and reputed grandfather was sleeping in his penthouse when three
spirits visited him. They did not identify themselves in relation to Christmas
since it was only the eve of April 30. The first one was Master Yoda whose
glowing aura stirred him. He presented Ebenezzer with an image from his past.
He saw a teenage version of himself cramming to complete a term paper on his
personal computer. The doorbell sounded from downstairs followed by the sound of
friendly greetings. His grandfather, Ebenezzer XIII, had arrived as expected. Without
time to spare for cordiality, he pretended not to be aware of what transpired.
After some minutes had passed, the door of his room opened and his grandfather
walked in.
“No more time for Gramps, Benny?” the old man said with a rhetorical
air. “You kids these days are into those internet-wi-fi balony so much that you
start to look like Jobs and Zucherburg.”
“I have to finish my term paper, Gramps. I’m sorry, but I can’t be
distracted until I’m done with it.”
“Industrious nerd”, Gramps commended. “No offense. No offense. You’re no
different from me when I was your age. Except for the fact that I didn’t have
my nose against those tv screens…”
“Monitors.”, Benny corrected, “They’re called monitors. And these are
far better than those clackity-claks you used before.”
“Typewriters”, the old man retaliated, “They’re called typewriters. And
they’re really quite efficient depending on how you use them. Of course, the same
goes for that ‘monitor’ of yours. Everything is all about the user. Difference
is, those typewriters weren’t as meticulously demanding. It didn’t heat up like
computers. Didn’t get sick with some
virus; didn’t need those ‘reformatting’ procedures. There was no need to
understand the difference of servers, browsers, routers or what the helll they
were for.”
Benny averted his gaze and focused on the
computer screen; ignoring his grandfather. Gramps, however, continued his
prattle.
“And most of all, those typewriters didn’t need…” He was interrupted by
the sudden dimness in the room. A power failure had occurred causing his
grandson to go into hysterics.
“SHIT! My work! It wasn’t saved! I’ll never get this done now. I’m going
to fail” Benny yelled; grabbing his crotch as he usually did during tense
situations.
. With a hint of sarcasm, gramps shrugged
and said, “Beat me to it.”
As the vision began to dissolve from his
sight, Ebenezzer XV explained to the Jedi Master how he duped his grandfather into
pulling strings at the academy preventing his failure. “Vane old man Gramps
was”, he gave a self-satisfied chuckle. “All I had to do was agree with about the
typewriter; and he sent that fagoty professor a death threat. Gotcha there,
Gramps.”
“Asshole you were once; asshole forever shall you be”, Yoda mumbled as
he faded into thin air.
Ebenezzer XV was dreaming he was in a
futuristic jungle dancing with half-naked female characters from various
cinematised android games. While he crawled toward one of them like a mad dog
in heat, the sunlight vanished and darkness fell. The sound of raucous laughter
and rowdy arguments ensued from the emptiness followed by the gigantic image of
Obi-Wan Kenobi at a bar surrounded by alien smugglers. The Jedi warrior
beckoned him to approach and, when he was close enough; slammed a fighter
helmet on his head. Its blast shields were down so that he was unable to see
anything. Suddenly, he saw a portal with a representation of an event that
transpired earlier in the day.
Benny was seated behind a varnished
burgundy table; fanning himself with a plastic folder; picqued at the fact that
the air conditioning was disabled because of a power outage. The unfortunate
circumstances had been prevalent since the past couple months. It was assiduous
task for the government to find a more reliably consistent source of energy. To
soothe his ennui, he decided to open his fly and release some tension by masturbating.
The door suddenly opened and young Robert Cratchit- great, great bastard
grandson of Bob Cratchit- walked in unexpected; a disconcerted look on his
face.
“Dammit, bastard, don’t you ever knock?” Benny reproved while fighting
the urge to cry out when the zipper caught his foreskin. To conceal his
predicament, he remained seated.
“Sir, we might have a couple of problems”, announced the chief executive
officer.
“For crying out loud; as if we never have enough with these brownouts.
What is it now?”
“The employees’ union officer forwarded a complaint to the Department of
Labor against us. It’s about the retrenchment.”
“What retrenchment?”
Cratchit picked his nose as he instinctively
did whenever he was nervous, and meekly replied, “You approved my proposal for retrenchment
of personnel since company assets can’t meet the budget for their salaries. The
sporadic power outages have hindered, and damaged, our computers. We’re paying
workers for just sitting around doing nothing. If you don’t mind, I’d like to
suggest a remedial measure…” He failed to continue when Ebenezzer interrupted.
“Bobby, I inherited this company from my grandfather and enhanced
production by doing away with his foolish, old, antiquated methods.Don’t you
even think about telling me to do things the way he did. Now, why on earth don’t
you get the generators working?”
“That’s the other problem, sir. If we supplement power by generators, we
will have to buy fuel for it. The continuous power failures will require a
generous amount of gasoline. We do that; we lose money faster than making it.
If we don’t do that; we will have to get rid of a lot of people. Either way,
income is compromised.”
Confounded by Cratchit’s explanation;
Ebenezzer grasped his crotch. With his free hand, he pointed to his officer. “You
find a way through this, Cratchit. You’re my CEO. Better convince me you’re
worth your pay; or you’ll find yourself behind the picket fence with those
union sons of bitches.”
Cratchit took in a breath as if to protest
but his boss cut him off. “Not one more word, Bobby Boy. Or I might lose any
misgivings about firing you. Now beat it; and make sure you come in early for
work tomorrow.”
The CEO was making for the door but halted
upon hearing the given instructions. He turned to his employer and reminded,
“Sir, I’m sorry. But…it’s the First of May tomorrow; Labor Day.”
A growl emanated from Ebenezzer’s throat. Other
than an expression of anxiety, this was also from the pain in his testicles
when his tension caused him to squeeze harder.
Obi-Wan guffawed and clapped his hands for
more effect. Before vanishing, he teasingly winked at Ebenezzer with his large,
wet tongue protruding from the side of his mouth.
The heirloom grandfather clock chimed and
announced that it was 3:00 AM. Ebenezzer was aware of it and slowly opened his
eyes. He was astounded to see Shuttle Tyderium hovering in his bedroom. Its
ramp was extended toward the foot board of his bed. The Imperial March resounded.
In the pale moonlight, he saw Darth Vader walking down from the ship.
“Wait a minute. Wait a minute!” he said with annoyance. The ominous tune
was silenced and Vader stopped his forward progress. “What the hell are you
doing here? And where is Ren or Palpatine?”
The Sith Lord shrugged; his mask concealing
the stupefied expression on his face.
“Annie, I’ve been with the little guy and the big guy this evening. Now,
you get back on that ship and tell Lucas that Charlie Dickens wants a HOODED sonuvabitch
for the third guy in his story.”
Vader disregarded his brashness and raised a
cupped hand. Ebenezzer was appalled when he noticed that he was rising from the
bed; and floating out of a window along with his visitor. The two of them soared
through various galaxies via hyperdrive for dramatic effect; but returned to
earth and landed at the entrance of an expansive cemetery.
The two walked among fields of crosses and
stopped a few meters away from a small group of people gathered around a grave
site. An untidy gravedigger in dirty overalls sat on a stump nearby; smoking
reefer which made him oblivious to their presence. Clearly, a burial ceremony
was taking place.
Ebenezzer noticed familiar faces but was
unable to idendify them. He had seen them before; but his snobbish, indifferent
nature made it difficult to remember names. The women were whispering to one
another; sharing gossip and gently slapping each others’ fanny. The men,
however, behaved in an unorthodox manner. They stood around the grave; took out
their fly; and urinated into the excavated ground. Even the priest joined in.
“Contemptuously despicable”, Ebenezzer
criticized loudly, hoping the participants heard him. But they continued oblivious
to his uproar.
When the ceremony ended, they assembly dispersed.
They seemed to be ignorinbg Vader and Ebenezzer; passing them by as if they
were not there. Robert Cratchit, accompanied by his wife and son were having a
hushed conversation as they went by.
“Serves him right; the old geezer” said the woman. “I had to work at a
strip joint because of him. And Timmy never got a decent education.”
“Good for him right, dad? I had to do drugs, steal, have orgies, and get
a stud on my dong to fit in that public school; because he fired you.”
Cratchit nodded in agreement at the severe
remarks of wife and son. “Karma does have its way. The stubborn fool wouldn’t
listen to me when I told him we should run the company like his grandfather did
long ago. Anyway, if we’re messed up; at least we’re still alive. But he’s dead
broke and down that hole; reaking of piss. Come on. Let’s go home; smoke some
dope and celebrate his death.”
Ebenezzer’s brow furrowed as he heard the
insensitive words. Abhorrent, he thought, that individuals spoke of a deceased
in such manner. He turned to Vader and inquired, “Who might that poor soul be:
condemned in such loathesomely pathetic disposition?” The Sith Lord motioned
him to approach the headstone which the gravedigger just finished innstalling.
When he saw his name carved on the rock, he spun to face Vader and incessantly
hollered, “Dammit! What the hell is going on here? You think you and your pals
can con me into emulating my grandfather? Well, up yours!” He gave Vader the
finger. “I’m not falling for it because, you know what: I don’t believe in that
godddamn typewriter garbage Gramps railed about. And you can count it that I
never will!”
Enrage by the imprudent expletive; Vader
raised his hand once more and Ebenezzer instantaneously crouched and fell to
the ground. In spite of his pleas and cries, the dark lord mercilessly crushed
Ebenezzer’s groin using the power of the Force. “I find your lack of faith
disturbing”, the mechanical voice filtered out of the dark mask.
Ebenezzer kept screaming in pain but the
powerful Sith Lord refused to stop squeezing his balls. Just when it seemed
that his torment would go on forever, his eyes snapped open and he found
himself in bed curled in a fetal position; his fingers grabing his crotch.
“A dream, just a stupid dream”, he said, relieved by the fact that the
experience was not reality. “Made me piss my pants though”, he mumbled playfully
and headed for the bathroom to clean himself. Upon opening the door, he was
appalled by the image of Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Hayden Christensen in the
mirror. They were standing behind him and wearing reproving scowls. He turned
around but found nobody there.
“Okay! Okay! I get it!” Ebenezzer yelled toward the emptiness and
slammed the door.
On the morning of May 1, Ebenezzer Scrooge
XV stomped into the office chamber and found Robert Cratchit overseeing rows of
office personnel who were glumly performing their duties. He told the CEO to follow
him into his office. After he instructed his loyal assistant to place an order
to the cheapest mechanical company to supply them with typewrites for use as
contingency measures during power failures; he gave all personnel furlough to
spend time with their families during the holiday. At the lobby 33on his way
out; he focused on an alcove which held a framed painting of his grandfather
sneering with vane arrogance.
“Got me there, you old fart”, he sighed acknowledging defeat. **
____________
YESTERDAY, WHEN I WAS YOUNG
When I was a high school student at La
Salle Green Hills, I witnessed a number of audacious and carefree students cut
classes, and head for a bowling-billiard place at a commercial complex just walking
distance from the school grounds. They spent their time and lunch money
monopolising the billiard tables; unmindful of their studies and the fact that
the establishment was taking advantage of their folly.
Presently, I live at Laguna where my wife works
at a renowned university. Across it stands a handful of internet cafés frequented
by students who fervently spend time and money playing online computer games.
Based on my observation; even if both situations
reveal the disregard of youths concerning education and financial assets; I’d
say that circumstances of the past are more favorable than those of the present.
Back then, if an unruly dispute among
students took place; management had security escort them outside of the
billiard hall where they could settle their differences. Out of curiousity, you
could stand at a safe distance and watch the brawlers do their business. But if
you are seated at a stall inside an internet café, there is a chance of going
deaf -(or having a heart attack)- when a disconsolate student beside you starts
to shout indecent remarks at an opponent situated elsewhere in the room.
____________
AFTERWORD
Let me tell you a story about some wanna-be
writer who could not find a job because of a neurologic disorder. He was compelled
to accept house arrest; attend to his toddler son; and do the usual chores and
duties of a pathetic SAHD (stay-at-home dad) to prove his worth. One day, he
was so engrossed with the online android game installed in his smartphone that
he forgot the rice cooking at the stove. Because of his negligence, a small
fire ensued; burning their kitchen and a few adjacent appliances. When his wife
came home from work and learned of the mishap, she castrated him in front of
their neighbors; then filed for a divorce.
Some readers familiar with my current
situation might suspect that I am giving a satirical representation of my
status. Unfortunately for them, and fortunately for me; they’re wrong. As a
SAHD who likes android games; I don’t patronize those which require an online
connection. Secondly, even if I have occassionally “overcooked” our rice; the
kitchen remains spic and span without damages from incinerations. And third, I
will testify that the worst imperfection of my wife is obstinacy; not saddism.
In addition, her fidelity remains consistent despite instances when losing a
game eliminates any potential notions of intimacy from my thoughts.
In comparison to the pitiable fellow in my
narration; I am unarguably better off than him. Imagine: in spite the myriad
hours I’ve spent with my nose in a laptop constructing this piece; I still have
a wife and complete manhood.
Note: As much as there are educational institutions
which offer scholarship grants to students; the dramatic script about capital
punishment was intended to depict the disposition of impoverished individuals.
-The author
___________
*“Anak”, Freddie Aguilar, Vicor
Music Corporation, 1977
**Characters and plot inspired by
“A Christmas Carol”, written by Charles Dickens; and “Star Wars”, created by
George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd, 20th Century Fox
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